Honesty

I don't like being alone on a beach.  There is a huge difference between "not too crowded" and "deserted."  Maybe it's cause I have immense respect for the ocean.  It sort of terrifies me to look out at the waves, coming, coming, coming, coming.  Once I took a personality quiz and I had to say the first color that came to my mind after I heard a word.  They said "ocean" and I said "black."  This fear....er, I mean, RESPECT, has only grown with age.  I used to love frolicking around in the surf as a young un in the Philippines.  Last week in Manzanillo, I was body surfing in the last 4 inches of waves as they finally gave up on the beach.  I thought Birdie and Deevie were telling me how awesome I was from the shore, but when I gave them a big thumbs up, N said, "You totally didn't hear them, did you?  They're saying you have to go a lot further out to catch better waves."  Thanks, guys, but I'm doin' just fine!

I'm terrible at showing people how much they mean to me.  I don't give birthday gifts.  Or cards.  And don't often call anyone.  My little sister is pregnant, for the love, and I've only talked to her once.  I have big ambitions on sending things from Mexico to family, or sending cards for no reason at all (since I miss all big events anyway), but...nothing.  Do I lack motivation?  NO!  I have tons of motivation!  I have about 54 started projects.  I am just awful at follow-through.  I've always been this way of course, but now that I'm at home - with help - you'd think I'd be better.  It's even so frustrating to write this and have it in writing.  But it's the truth, and it makes me sick.

Living abroad is still just living.  As Gus McCrae said to Lorie Wood (who believed everything would be better in California):

"Lorie darlin', life in San Francisco, you see, is still just life.  If you want any one thing too badly, it's likely to turn out to be a disappointment.  The only healthy way to live is to learn to like all the little everyday things..." (Lonesome Dove)

Friends and family back home have told us how brave and cool it is to be doing what we're doing, but I honestly think what they're doing is just as cool.   And aren't we all brave for getting through every day?  I don't mean to disparage travel or living outside your home country in the slightest, because yes, it is amazing to experience new things that help you understand yourself and your home on a deeper level by giving you a means of comparison.  But anyone can do that wherever they are, just by stretching their routine and traveling to another city or town, near or far.  I remember when N and I went to New York City for a weekend once, and trying to buy train tickets in the big, bad station was nerve-wracking and strange.  Certainly stranger than our routine existence in Northern Virginia!  We jumped whenever someone spoke to us because we were that out of our element.  We swore then and there that we needed to keep challenging ourselves because we were obviously sort of stuck in our ways to a degree we hadn't even been aware of.  But even with all that, I agree with ol' Gus.  The only healthy way to live is to learn to like all the little everyday things.  And if that means enjoying the everyday things while you're on a traveling adventure, so be it.

Another one of my favorite quotes by Paul Theroux:

"Travel is only glamorous in retrospect." 

While you're "in it", you're just trying to get through it (i.e., changing a big, messy poopie diaper without wipes at a 2,000 year old Mexican dirt pyramid) and appreciate the little things (the kids chasing bubbles and birds in the shadow of the Zapopan Basilica).  But maybe this is just me!

I sometimes worry that I am a worse parent to Cubby than I was to Birdie and Deevie at this age.  I mean, I'm at HOME with him - which is more than I can say for the Narra of yore and our daughters of yore.  So that just means there's more time in each day to screw up!  I honestly feel that way a lot of the time.  Cubby watches a ton more TV (soothing kid programs like Max & Ruby, or Little Bear...but still) than B+D.  He eats all sorts of things that they didn't - like candy!  Good gracious.  Birdie didn't even know what a gummy bear was until she was at least three.  I've even given Cubby gum - that he quickly swallows.  How can I avoid it when his sisters are asking for G-U-M all day long (yes, they spell it out, but Cubby ain't no dummy.  We're going to see how long calling it "chicle" fools him).   He is such a sweet little demanding boy, and I hope I'm not leaving any permanent scars on him.

I can feel a thousand different emotions about anything in one given day.  And that goes for life in Guadalajara.  Or the beach even.  (Aaaah, those palm trees swaying in the breeze were heavenly, weren't they?)  I think I've always been all over the board with my emotions, but being here in Mexico (or maybe "away from home" is more like it), I'm so much more aware of the fluctuation.

N and I watched the first two seasons of Downton Abbey and have thoroughly enjoyed being transported to that time and that world.  I'm sure we would've felt the same had we been watching this in our basement in Annandale.  Again going back to good quotes, something Lord Grantham said in season two stuck with me.  A maid asks him if he will be happy.  His reply:

"I have no right to be unhappy, which is almost the same."

That is totally, on the nose, how I feel a lot of the time.   The maid's response of "Almost.  Not quite." is so on point as well.  I am so damn (swearing for emphasis) appreciative of what we are doing - for the FS, for Nick's ability to pass all the crazy hurdles to get us here, for Mexico, for our housekeepers, for our happy, healthy children.  I have absolutely NO right to be unhappy!!!  I am acutely aware of this!!!  And yet I still have moments of nagging sadness, loneliness, what have you.  (Not right now though!  I am loving everything about everything!  I think Cubby has a poopie diaper, in fact, and I LOVE it!  Check back with me in 10 minutes though...)  This is all normal though, and that too, I know.  It's just fun to write about honest and obvious stuff sometimes. :)